


Love Finds Alexandra Cabot

by alexlovesolivia



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27335812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexlovesolivia/pseuds/alexlovesolivia
Summary: To celebrate their 20th anniversary and give their daughters a change of scenery, Alex and Olivia plan a family getaway, but their winter retreat has plenty of surprises in store.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Comments: 26
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

Nineteen years, eleven months, and twenty-five days had passed since the moment that changed Alex’s life forever. They had gone from having an ‘arrangement’ with no strings attached and no emotions involved to the two of them confessing how it was no longer possible to get into bed with each other and act as if it meant nothing when morning arrived. They were a couple from then on and, although their relationship hadn’t always gone smoothly, every heartache and every sleepless night spent apart had led Alex to that moment and the life she shared with Olivia－the life Alex always wanted but never knew it was possible to have.

Most of Alex’s friends had gotten married in their twenties, but when those years passed for her, she had begun to imagine her life without a wife and children until Olivia had changed that for her. She may not have been in her twenties when it happened but her wife and their two daughters were worth the wait.

Their oldest daughter Emma was at an age that Alex remembered quite differently from how her daughter was experiencing it. At twelve, Alex had lived in the moment and had yet to worry about the future, but her daughter was part of a generation of preteens and teenagers that were more cognizant of the world around them. There were so many causes that Emma had taken up and, as proud as Alex was for having a daughter who cared about the world around her, it broke her heart whenever Emma became frustrated with people’s indifference or when people didn’t take her seriously because of her age. Ever since her school had shut down, Alex worried about how all the changes in their lives and the ‘new normal’ would affect her daughter. One afternoon in March, she had picked Emma up from school and now nine months had passed since she had seen her school and most of her friends. 

Based on the few pictures Alex had seen of her wife as a child, Emma was the spitting image of Olivia at that age and she had Olivia’s caring nature to match. She didn’t know quite how she’d accomplish it, but her goal in life was to make the world a better place. Until then, Emma and her best friend Blaire Carmichael were creating a comic and in that comic it was possible for a twelve-year-old girl to save the world.

With everything happening, Alex and Olivia felt as if their girls needed to get away. Schools were reopening all throughout the city, but with their girls remaining in distance learning, they wanted to give them a change of scenery. They were taking a family trip to a cabin a couple of hours away that Alex had frequented with her family when she was growing up. The Southerlyn family owned a cabin half a mile away, which is how Alex and Serena had met as kids, and they were thrilled that all these years later, their daughters were also best friends and they were able to make memories with them at the very place that meant so much to them growing up.

Alex was running through a checklist with Emma to make sure she had everything she needed for their trip to the cabin when she heard a loud crash in the kitchen.

“Everything’s okay! I’m not dead!” Alex heard her six-year-old daughter Julie shout from the kitchen.

If Julie felt the need to say everything was okay, Alex knew everything was far from okay. “Em, I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.”

Emma rummaged through her makeup bag, making sure all the essentials were in there although her parents wouldn’t let their seventh-grader wear anything other than lip gloss and clear mascara. “You’re on monster patrol. I understand. I can finish the list.”

Before Alex could do so much as thank her oldest daughter for being so understanding, she heard the words ‘uh oh’ come from her youngest daughter. Alex walked in the kitchen to find Julie sitting on the floor next to an open cookie jar that thankfully was plastic instead of glass. The chocolate chip cookies were nowhere to be found and, judging by the chocolate remnants on her daughter’s hands, Alex had a pretty good idea where the cookies had gone.  _ And this is why Liv and I have as little glass in this house as possible.  _

Just as Emma looked like Olivia, people frequently commented on how much Julie looked like Alex did as a little girl even down to the glasses they wore. Julie was mischievous and somewhat argumentative and it was a running joke for Alex and Olivia to say it was obvious who’s egg she had come from whenever Julie tried to argue her way out of a punishment.

“Why are you wearing your mask?” Alex asked her daughter. Although they were indoors, half of her daughter’s face was covered by her favorite shark-print mask. 

“The pandemic,” Julie answered matter-of-factly. Once she noticed the chocolate on her hands, she quickly hid them behind her back.

Alex sat down on the floor next to her daughter. “I know you ate the cookies and you’re trying to hide the chocolate on your face.”

Julie looked her mom square in the eyes. “That’s circumstantial evidence. Someone was trying to steal the cookies and I came here to protect the cookies.”

_ Circumstantial evidence _ . Alex tried not to laugh. She knew her first grader’s knowledge of legal terminology was the result of her overhearing conversations she had with Olivia and even Abbie and Serena and she wondered what other terms Julie would eventually surprise her with. “So you protected the cookies by eating them?”

“No.” Julie shook her head.

She removed her daughter’s mask to reveal exactly what she had expected－Julie’s mouth was covered in chocolate and cookie remnants. “If you didn’t eat them, who did?” Alex asked for the sake of playing with her daughter. “I wasn’t in here. Emma wasn’t in here and Mommy isn’t home right now. So, who ate all the chocolate chip cookies?”

“Monsters.”

“Julie.” Alex crossed her arms.

“Mommy.” Julie responded, mimicking her mom’s gesture.

Alex and Olivia had taught their girls never to lie and there’d eventually be some type of punishment for Julie, but in that moment, all Alex wanted to do was be playful with her little girl in a way that her own parents never were with her as a child. “I think  _ you’re  _ the little cookie monster,” Alex said as she tickled her daughter. 

The tickling led to squeals and giggles from Julie that were loud enough for the two of them not to hear the sound of Olivia opening the front door.

“Alex, that’s not how you tickle a confession out of someone,” Olivia said as she knelt down on the other side of her daughter. “ _ This  _ is how you tickle a confession out of the elusive cookie monster that’s been targeting both Chips Ahoy  _ and  _ Oreos whenever her moms aren’t looking.” Olivia’s tickling caused her daughter to laugh uncontrollably and it wasn’t long before she surrendered.

“I confess,” Julie finally managed to say. “I’m the cookie monster.”

“That’s all I needed to hear.” Olivia picked up her daughter and carried her to the hallway while Alex put up the safety gate. As they lived in an apartment and didn’t have stairs, they had assumed there’d be no need for a safety gate, but with Julie’s penchant for sneaking to the kitchen to steal cookies, they made sure to buy the tallest and sturdiest safety gate they could find to block Julie’s access to the kitchen.

“I hate Julie Jail,” the six-year-old said as she moped and wrapped her little hands around the bars, trying to peer at what her moms were up to. “How much is my bail? I’ll pay anything.”

“Go wash up and get ready for arraignment,” Alex said to her daughter that was now sprawled out on the floor.

Once they had gone through each of their daughter’s bedtime routines－giving Emma hugs and their undivided attention in case there was anything she wanted to talk about before falling asleep and then going to Julie’s room for hugs and kisses on the cheek and making sure she had her favorite stuffed animal, a shark named Sir Chomps A Lot, tucked in with her－it was what Alex had waited all evening for; she would have but a few precious moments alone with her wife.

While lying in their bed, Alex revelled in the feeling of her wife’s arms wrapped around her. Olivia liked to think it was her way of making Alex feel safe but for Alex it was the other way around. If she was in their bed and holding her, that meant  _ Olivia  _ was safe. It was a new type of intimacy in their relationship. What had once been nights of making love until neither of them had the energy to continue had turned into holding each other and kisses that would occasionally turn into something more. 

Feeling her wife’s kisses on her shoulders took Alex back to a different time in their relationship when it was just the two of them and the night was theirs to do whatever they desired. “I could feel you even more if I wasn’t wearing this shirt.” She turned around to kiss Olivia and, what started as an innocent kiss, turned into her feeling her wife’s fingertips grazing her side and inching her way up. 

“Take it off,” Olivia whispered in her ear and hearing those three words come from her wife was enough to make Alex’s entire body tingle. She sat up, her fingertips on the hem of her shirt, making sure she held her wife’s gaze 

“Mommy and mommy!” they heard their daughter say from the newly opened doorway. “I can’t sleep. Can me and Sir Chomps A Lot lie down with you?”

Alex was grateful that their six-year-old hadn’t walked in a few minutes later.  _ And this is why we can’t sleep naked.  _

As much as they preferred Julie to sleep in her own bed, the sight of their little girl standing in the doorway while clutching her stuffed shark made it impossible to say no. “Climb aboard,” Olivia told their daughter.

Once Julie was snuggled in between them, Alex gently removed her daughter’s glasses and placed them on the nightstand next to her own. No more than five minutes had passed before Julie fell asleep and, although their original intention was to carry her to bed once she had fallen asleep, there was so much comfort in knowing that she was safely tucked away in their bed.

“Mom,” Alex heard their twelve-year-old say. Without waiting for a response, Emma made her way over to the foot of their bed and sat down.

“Sweetheart, were you crying?” Olivia asked. She quickly kissed Julie’s forehead and got out of bed so she could sit next to Emma. Now that she was almost a teenager, it was rare for Emma to want to be held, so Olivia was taken by surprise when her daughter started to cling to her and rest her head on her shoulder.

“Remember how you said I could tell you when everything I was thinking about got to be too much for me? I think this is one of those times. I’m happy to be going to the cabin with my family and Blaire and Auntie Abbie and Auntie Serena, but then I think about everything that’s happening and what other people are going through and I feel bad for being happy.”

“My sweet girl,” Olivia said softly as she held her daughter. “Feeling this way just shows you care about others and I love that about you, but experiencing happiness doesn’t mean you care any less. It’s okay for you to do little things every day that make you smile and I know one thing in particular that always makes you smile.”

“Ice cream?” Emma asked hopefully. “Vegan vanilla and chocolate chip ice cream?”

Their daughter who was against the dairy industry was the reason why there was always vegan ice cream in their freezer. It was approaching midnight, but if all it’d take for Emma to be happy for even a moment was some ice cream, they weren’t going to let a late night stop them. 

“I think we could use a midnight ice cream party,” Olivia smiled at her.

“Ice cream!” Julie said excitedly. 

“Weren’t you asleep?” Alex asked.

“I heard ice cream and I woke up,” Julie responded. She grabbed her stuffed shark and wasted no time leaving the room. “I’m gonna bust out of Julie Jail!” they heard her say while rattling the safety gate.

“There’s something else to make you smile,” Alex said to Emma as she got out of bed and prepared to go after her youngest daughter. “You’re always going to be our good kid. Not once was there an Emma Jail.”

The kitchen table was covered with cartons of ice cream and different toppings, but the mess was a small price to pay to see Emma smiling and showing her little sister pictures online that made her laugh. This was Alex’s life now. She was surrounded by the type of love she never imagined was possible and all because nearly twenty years ago she had decided to confess her feelings for Olivia.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex and Olivia’s intentions were to leave home no later than ten the next morning, but as a result of the midnight ice cream party the previous night, their girls didn’t fall asleep until two in the morning. There was no hope for waking them up early and, for the sake of their sanity, they knew it was in their best interest to let two kids that they’d be on a long car ride with get as much sleep as possible to avoid crankiness in their sleep-deprived state.

Emma enjoyed talking with them during long car rides, but six-year-old Julie became fussy whenever she’d have to sit still for long periods of time, so Alex and Olivia made sure they never went on a trip without a fully charged iPad for Julie with her favorite movies and TV shows downloaded and a spare battery pack. While Emma had been into Disney movies and Nick Jr. at that age, her little sister opted for  _ Jurassic Park  _ and reruns of specials that aired during Shark Week. Alex was concerned at first, but it dawned on her that she was expecting her daughter to define who she was based on her expectations instead of letting Julie be her own person. That realization was also due to her wife pointing out that both Olivia’s career and their marriage itself defied society’s expectations of womanhood. The next day, Alex went out and bought Julie the Hot Wheels track she had wanted and some  _ Jurassic Park  _ pajamas from the boys’ section. She may have known nothing about being a tomboy, but her wife was able to help in that department and she loved them both for being so unashamedly themselves.

Emma may not have been into fashion－in fact she hated how the fashion industry made girls and women feel insecure about their looks and she hated  _ fast  _ fashion for its unethical labor policies and negative impact on the environment－but their common ground was makeup. Although she wasn’t allowed to wear anything other than lip gloss and clear mascara, she made sure to educate Alex on the subject of cruelty free makeup. Seeing how passionate her daughter was about the cause, Alex had planned a mother/daughter outing at Sephora in which she switched from her usual products to some that her daughter told her were cruelty free. They sampled products together and, when she saw how great of an interest her mom was taking in what she had to say, Emma hugged her right then and there in the store. A hug and ‘You’re the coolest mom ever’ were two things moms rarely received from their twelve-year-old daughters, so when Alex was the recipient of both gestures and  _ in public  _ at that, she was walking on air. Without even knowing, her daughter had reassured her she was doing the whole parenting thing right, so Alex added a couple of cruelty free lip glosses to her purchase as a token of gratitude for Emma. 

At 3 p.m., they were an hour and a half into their drive to the cabin with another thirty to forty-five minutes left when Julie had grown tired of her iPad. She slumped down in her booster seat and let out a huge sigh. “Are we there yet?”

“Thirty more minutes,” Olivia responded from the driver’s seat. “That’s half of a shark show.”

“This is like Julie Jail but in a car,” Julie groaned. 

Emma began scrolling through her phone in search of her podcast app. “I know what’ll make the time go by fast. Do you want to listen to the podcast about cryptids?”

“Yeah!” Julie cheered. “Monsters!”

“Okay, who is your favorite?” Emma asked. “There’s the Jersey Devil, the Mothman, some about alien abductions－”

“Neither of you girls are old enough to listen to such things!” Alex interrupted. By the time she realized she was sounding like her mother did when she lectured her about MTV as a preteen, the damage had been done and Olivia was taking joy in her outburst.

“It’s a podcast hosted by two middle school girls. I’ve already listened to it to make sure there was nothing inappropriate,” Olivia reassured her wife. Although she kept her eyes on the road, Olivia reached for Alex’s left hand and delicately kissed it. Regardless of how small the gesture, Olivia always knew how to make her feel better. The simple touch of her hand had helped her throughout the toughest situations and just the memory of Olivia’s touch was enough to get her through the lonely nights when she was in witness protection－when she was Emily, not Alex, and she didn’t know if she’d ever see or _ feel _ Olivia again.

With her hand now on her wife’s thigh, she thought about thirteen years ago on that same route to the cabin when she couldn’t wait a moment longer so she had Olivia pull over on the side of the road. Olivia wasn’t the type to have sex anywhere other than their apartment, but unable to resist each other, Alex made her girlfriend come within minutes with just one of her skilled hands inside the front of Olivia’s jeans. It was during that same trip that Olivia told her she was pregnant and their twosome would be a family of three. Same-sex marriage wouldn’t become legal in New York for four more years, but they were eager to start a family and build a life together after the years spent apart. 

“How do you know if you’re in love?” Alex heard Emma ask from the backseat, bringing her from her train of thought.

“Is there a boy you like?” Olivia asked playfully.

“No,” Emma blushed. “There’s no boy and I don’t want you running a background check on everyone I date.”

“You don’t have to worry about me running a background check on anyone for another four years,” Olivia teased. “Because  _ that’s  _ when you’ll be old enough to date.”

“Mom,” Emma giggled. “Maybe we should just listen to the cryptid show. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this after all.”

Julie threw up her hands in frustration. “No more love. Just monsters.”

“I’ll remind you of that in a few years,” Olivia told her, but Julie just wrinkled her face in disgust.

Alex turned around to face her oldest daughter. “I know this probably isn’t the right time, but if you ever want to talk about having a crush on someone, we’re always here for you, Em.”

“I know,” Emma smiled at her. “And, thanks.”

“I wanna talk,” Julie said much to her moms’ surprise. “But not about love.”

Olivia glanced at her daughter from the rearview mirror. “Oh yeah? What do you want to talk about, Jules?”

Julie tapped her index finger to her lips, deep in thought. “If a monster breaks into our cabin tonight, would you have to arrest it and send it to monster jail or could we keep it as a pet if it promised to be good and not eat us?”

“It depends on the monster,” Olivia said for the sake of humoring her daughter. 

“What if it’s Bigfoot?” Julie asked. 

“It’s against the law to arrest Bigfoot,” Olivia responded. “We’d have to keep him as a pet.”

“Really?” Julie asked, her eyes wide. “We can keep him?”

“Yes,” Alex reassured her. “If for some reason Bigfoot decides to break into our cabin, we can keep him if he signs a contract stating that he will not eat us.”

“What kind of snacks do you think he likes?” a now-beaming Julie asked her moms. “Is there a bag of Bigfoot Chow at the store?”

Their conversation continued until they reached the cabin with Emma even joining in between sending text messages on her phone and smiling uncontrollably every time she heard her text message alert sound.  _ My little girl definitely likes someone. _

When they arrived at the cabin, Alex noticed Blaire Carmichael sitting on the porch, waiting for Emma. “Blaire!” Emma said excitedly. She fumbled with the buckle on her seatbelt and, once she was able to free herself, she left the car without saying another word. 

Although less than 24 hours had passed since the last time they saw each other, the girls were in the middle of an embrace that had already lasted thirty seconds when Alex, Olivia, and Julie approached the porch. “Hi, Blaire,” Alex said in a tone that had come out colder than she had hoped.

“Aunt Alex,” Blaire said as she quickly let go of Emma and stepped a couple of feet back. “Hi. I just came here to drop off a gift for Emma. I know it’s not Christmas yet, but instead of one big gift, I decided to give her a bunch of small gifts leading up to Christmas.” Blaire Carmichael was a gangly twelve-year-old girl with blonde hair and big blue eyes like her mom Serena. She had recently gotten braces, but instead of feeling insecure, she considered them yet another accessory to coordinate with her outfits. Blaire was sophisticated and, unlike Emma, she was a bit of a fashionista, but she loved that her best friend was so passionate about her beliefs.

When Blaire handed Emma a tube of vanilla frosting-flavored lip gloss, Alex made sure to glance at the note attached to the ribbon. ‘ _ Because you’re even sweeter than birthday cake. Love, Blaire.’  _ Alex read.

“It’s cruelty free  _ and  _ vegan!” Emma said excitedly.

“And your lips will taste like birthday cake,” Blaire responded. When she noticed the typically-composed Blaire start to blush, Olivia decided to intervene.

“Why don’t you stay for awhile?” Olivia asked. “I’ll invite your moms over for dinner or if they’re busy we’ll give you a ride home. Either way, Alex and I are not letting you walk back to the cabin by yourself.”

“Thanks, Aunt Olivia.”

“Yeah, thanks, Mom,” Emma smiled at her before grabbing her friend’s hand. “Come on, Blaire. I’ll show you my room.”

Alex was about to object to them being alone in a bedroom when her wife grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. It was their signal to the other to let something go so as not to escalate the situation or say something that they might regret. It was typically used at parties or other social situations when someone dared get in a political debate with Alex, but for the first time Olivia had used it in regard to parenting.

It was after ten when Abbie, Serena, and Blaire headed back to their cabin and, as much as Alex enjoyed spending time with them, her mind was on her daughter and her daughter’s friend upstairs. She had checked on them a couple of times using the excuse of bringing up snacks or seeing if they needed anything. They were working on their comic the first time she walked in and they were stringing up Christmas lights throughout Emma’s room the second time. There was no kissing or hand-holding or anything physical happening between the two of them, but Alex wasn’t quite ready to let her guard down. “Make sure the door stays open,” she told the girls after the second time she left the room. 

That night, with Emma already in her room Facetiming Blaire, Alex and Olivia decided to watch a movie in the living room with Julie. They had suggested  _ Mickey’s Christmas Carol _ or  _ A Charlie Brown Christmas,  _ but Julie insisted that those were baby movies and chose  _ Jaws  _ instead. As a kid, that movie scared the living daylights out of Alex to the point where she even refused to get into a swimming pool for an entire summer and yet her six-year-old was giddy whenever she saw the shark.

“She’s already braver than me when it comes to horror movies. I wouldn’t even get into a swimming pool after watching this movie,” Alex told her wife. After having consumed four glasses of wine earlier that night, she was cuddled up to Olivia on the couch, trying to process everything that had happened over the past few hours.

“She’s braver than  _ both of us _ ,” Olivia pointed out. “I watched this movie for the first time when I was eight and I wouldn’t even get into a bathtub after that. That was the year I started taking showers instead. And  _ this  _ little one has already watched this movie over ten times.”

Alex looked at her daughter who was sitting on Olivia’s lap, completely entranced by the movie. “She may look like me and argue like me, but I feel as if she’s a combination of both of us. I feel that way about Emma, too. Our girls . Do you ever look at them and think, ‘We made them. Our love is what made them.’”

“I think those four glasses of wine are starting to hit you.” Olivia kissed her wife’s forehead. “Are you okay?” 

“No,” Alex admitted.

“Is it Blaire and Emma?”

“She’s  _ twelve _ , Liv. I’m not ready for her to like a girl. And you can’t tell me something isn’t going on after what we witnessed on the porch when Blaire said the lip gloss will make Emma’s lips taste like birthday cake. She’s thinking about kissing our little girl and you’re suddenly okay with this?”

“Or she could have said that because it’s a flavored lip gloss,” Olivia pointed out. “Alex, I know you hate to admit it, but Emma is growing up. It’s normal for her to have a crush. If she were sixteen and going on unsupervised dates, I wouldn’t feel this way, but she and Blaire are twelve. They can’t go anywhere without parental supervision. They’re either going to be here at our cabin or at Abbie and Serena’s. The same will happen when we get home. The most they could ever do is hold hands with the way we supervise them. I trust Emma and I trust Blaire or at least I will until they give me a reason not to. I think what’s really bothering you isn’t our daughter having a crush. If she had a crush on a boy, you’d be fine, but since she has a crush on a girl, you’re worried that you’re getting replaced as her favorite person to hang out with.”

She had hoped it was just the wine in her system making her emotional, but Alex knew her wife was right. If Emma liked a boy, she  _ wouldn’t  _ be feeling this way. She’d be excited about this milestone in Emma’s life and want her to tell her all about him. “I’m losing my little girl－the one person who will have ‘80s movie marathons with me on snow days.”

“If it’s any consolation,  _ I’ll _ have ‘80s movie marathons with you.”

Her wife’s statement made Alex smile. “I love you, Olivia. You’re my wife and my best friend, but need I remind you that your favorite ‘80s movie is  _ Die Hard _ .”

“It’s a classic,” Olivia argued.

“Again, you’re my wife and my best friend and I love you－”

“I’m adding it to the list of movies that you need to give a chance,” Olivia laughed.

Alex playfully gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll tell you what－I’ll watch  _ Die Hard  _ if you’ll watch  _ Working Girl _ .”

“Fine,” Olivia said reluctantly. “But only because, in your words, ‘You’re my wife and my best friend and I love you.’”

After another twenty minutes, their youngest daughter had fallen asleep on Olivia. “I think we have a new Benson family tradition,” Alex pointed out. “Other families watch  _ Frosty the Snowman _ or  _ Rudolph _ . We have  _ Jaws  _ and  _ Jurassic Park _ . I know tomorrow you and I need to sit Emma down and have ‘the talk’ but tonight I have too much wine in my system to process that.”

The end credits were rolling when Emma decided to join them. Unlike the previous night when Emma’s overthinking made her cry, Alex noticed she was smiling more than she had in months and she had a feeling she knew what was causing that smile. “Can we watch  _ Pretty In Pink _ ?” she asked. Emma was already in her pajamas and Alex knew the chances were slim of her making it through the entire movie.

“Of course we can,” Alex responded. 

_ My girl _ , Alex thought as Emma took a seat on the other side of Olivia and rested her head on Olivia’s left shoulder. With herself on the right side of Olivia, Emma on the left, and Julie comfortably resting her head on Olivia’s chest, Alex smiled at the thought of her wife being suckered into watching an ‘80s teen romcom.  _ I still have my girl. I still have all three of my girls... _


	3. Chapter 3

Alex could still taste her wife on her tongue as she basked in the afterglow of what they had just experienced with each other. After twenty years, Olivia still made her feel desired and Alex wanted her wife to feel just how much she desired her in return. Uninterrupted time alone had become few and far in between and, if Alex remembered correctly, it had been nearly two months since they had last made love to each other and felt as if they could actually take their time like they used to instead of settling for a quickie in the shower or a few minutes of stolen time while remaining fully clothed.

Alex was embarrassed to admit to her wife that she read a mommy blog, let alone gotten sex advice from one, but a particular entry she read suggested setting an alarm for an hour before the kids were expected to wake up. With everything she planned on doing to Olivia, an hour was nowhere near long enough, so she suggested they wake up three hours before. Emma occasionally slept in, but as long as she got a good night’s sleep, Julie would wake up at 7 in the morning, completely full of energy. This meant, if Alex wanted enough time with her wife, the two of them would have to wake up at 4 a.m.

There was no hastily undressing themselves. Instead, they were able to take their time undressing each other. As she had been longing for, Alex was able to kiss and caress her wife, tease her and taste her. Olivia had been deep inside her with a perfect rhythm that came from years of being intimate with each other and memorizing everywhere that Alex needed to be touched. Just as she did every time she pulled out of Alex, Olivia held the same two fingers up to Alex’s mouth and watched as she sucked the cum off of them. The sight and the sensation of being in Alex’s mouth made Olivia’s entire body tingle and Alex couldn’t resist a round two or even a round three of bringing her wife to orgasm.

It was 6 a.m. when Alex decided she wanted nothing more than to just be in her wife’s arms. Her head was comfortably resting on Olivia’s chest as she absentmindedly ran her fingers along her torso. Twenty years had changed them so much both emotionally and physically and she thought about the woman who was supposed to be a casual fling and the nervousness and uncertainty they felt when they realized their feelings for each other compared to the woman who was now her wife and the mother of her children and the love and the comfort they felt in that moment knowing their hearts were safe with each other and always would be. 

As confident as she portrayed herself, Alex wasn’t without insecurities when it came to her body. She bought retinol for under her eyes and anti-aging cream that she applied every night regardless of how much Olivia told her a fine line or a wrinkle wouldn’t make her any less beautiful. She considered herself in her prime when she first met Olivia. She was 29 years old at the time and sans the scar near her right shoulder where she was shot and the six-inch scar on her lower abdomen from when she had a c-section. Both scars were from two of the most significant moments in her life: the former tore her and Olivia apart and made her uncertain whether or not she’d ever get to be with her again but the latter brought them closer together and their little family of three had become a family of four. When she was completely healed and realized that her c-section scar wouldn’t fade anymore, Alex cringed at the thought of Olivia seeing it whenever she kissed her way down her body, but just as she always did, Olivia knew exactly how to make Alex feel desired. That scar had become Olivia’s favorite spot to kiss, especially when she was kissing it while down on her knees and ready to taste her.

“Scheduled sex,” Alex said as she continued to run her fingers along Olivia’s torso. “People can say what they want about it. I just know I’d sacrifice any amount of sleep to experience this again with you.”

Feeling her wife’s arms were cold, Olivia managed to pull the covers up a little more without disturbing the position they were in. “Tomorrow, we’ll just wake up at 5 so you can sleep in longer. We’ve become more efficient. What used to take us an entire night can now take us two hours.”

“The same amount of orgasms in a fraction of the time,” Alex pointed out. “...and they’re more intense now. I don’t have energy to do anything other than lie here and I’m going to say it’s because we’ve gotten better and not because we’ve gotten older.”

“...better,” Olivia responded, sleepily. “And there’s no other woman I’d rather grow old and have scheduled sex with.”

* * *

  
Their alarm went off at seven and, as much as they wanted to spend the rest of the day in bed, they knew it was only a matter of time before Julie realized their door was locked and started pounding as hard as she could. 

Alex reluctantly grabbed her phone so she could shut off the alarm. “Do you want to get in the shower first or should I?”

Olivia pulled her wife as close to her as she could. “How about together?”

“How about when the girls spend the night with Abbie and Serena on our anniversary, the only article of clothing you’re allowed to wear are the Calvin Klein boyshorts I bought you?”

Knowing she had lost this battle and wouldn’t be showering with Alex that morning, Olivia gave her a quick kiss before getting out of bed. “That’s fine, but the only articles of clothing  _ you’re  _ allowed to wear are the lingerie I bought you.”

Alex walked over to where her wife was standing to give her one last kiss. “Deal. I also bought something new for us to play with that night.”

  
Before Olivia could respond, they heard the sound of Julie knocking on their door. Unlike other occasions when their door had been locked, the sound of her knocking was soft and sporadic instead of the incessant pounding. 

“We’ll be right there, Jules,” Olivia told her. There was a mad dash for the two of them to put on the pajamas and undergarments that they had tossed on the floor three hours prior and when their youngest daughter was waiting patiently on the other side of the door, they knew something had to be wrong. 

“It’s Emma,” they heard their oldest daughter respond. “Julie is still asleep.”

  
Olivia glanced over at Alex to make sure she was fully clothed before opening the door. “Good morning, my sweet girl,” Olivia told her as soon as she opened the door. They had expected Emma to ask about breakfast, but instead their daughter just hugged Olivia and started crying. 

“I have to show you something,” Emma managed to say through her sobs. When Alex noticed her daughter was wearing different pajama pants than the ones she wore to bed, she had a feeling she knew what Emma wanted to show them.

Emma had stripped the sheets from her bed and set them on the floor along with her underwear and pajama pants. “Can you show me how to work the washer?” Emma asked frantically. “There’s blood all over and I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know this was going to happen.”

Olivia held her daughter close as she stroked her hair. “None of this is your fault, my sweet girl. Just lie down and your mom and I will take care of everything for you.”

“Can you both lie down with me?” Emma asked, not wanting to let go of Olivia. “I know this means I’m becoming a woman but I’m scared. I just want both of my mommies right now.”

Hearing the desperation in her voice broke Alex’s heart. There was no way the three of them would fit in Emma’s twin bed, so Emma’s next suggestion was for her to lie down with the two of them in  _ their  _ bed. Not wanting their daughter to lie down in between the sheets they had used just a couple of hours prior, Alex hurried ahead of them and somewhat sloppily made their bed and grabbed an extra blanket to put over them. 

“I did everything you taught me,” Emma said once she was cuddled in between the two of them. “The sticky side of the pad touches my underwear and then fold the wings over to keep it in place.” 

Alex gently squeezed her daughter’s hand. “That’s our girl. Do you feel okay? Are you cramping?”

“I took Advil that you have in your purse,” Emma responded. “I think it’s starting to help.”

Olivia wrapped her arm around her daughter, holding her close. “Sweetheart, we’re really proud of you for being so independent, but whenever you need any medicine, please let one of us know and we’ll get it for you. We just want to make sure you’re taking it safely.”

“I will. I promise,” Emma said as she buried her face in Olivia’s shoulder. “Does it ever get easier? Am I going to be bleeding on my sheets every month?”

“Only for the next forty years,” Olivia said jokingly. “It’ll get easier to manage, but I’m afraid even the most seasoned of us still wake up to stained sheets.”

“It happened to me last week,” Alex told her daughter. “And even though your mom and I are married and have been through everything two people can possibly go through together, I  _ still  _ tried to hide it from her.”

“She tried to remove the sheets while I was still asleep on them and I almost fell off the bed,” Olivia added. “Not exactly subtle.”

“I panicked,” Alex said in her own defense.

“Mom,” Emma giggled.

“It’ll get easier,” Alex reassured her. “...and your mom and I will pass on the knowledge that we’ve accumulated since we were around your age. When you’re older, your cycle should become more regular, but when you’re a teenager, prepare for a two-week window every month where you shouldn’t wear light-colored pants.”

“We’ll buy you some more dark jeans and some black underwear,” Olivia told her daughter. “That’s a safety net no matter how old you are.”

“And when you get to high school, you can use your period as an excuse to get out of swimming,” Alex smiled at her daughter. “During freshman year, we had a four-week swimming unit and I didn’t want to wear a bikini in front of the boys so I said I was on my period and got to sit on the bleachers and do my homework for some of my other classes.”

“You used that excuse for an entire month?” Emma asked in disbelief. “Your teacher didn’t question you?”

“I had a male P.E. teacher,” Alex smirked. “The last thing he wanted was to question a girl when she said she was on her period. I remember he’d tell me , ‘Miss Cabot, I don’t need to know about your female troubles. Just go sit on the bleachers.’ It worked like a charm.” Alex cuddled up to her wife and daughter. “Speaking of school, when the time comes for you to go back to school, your mom and I will put together a period kit for you. You can pick out a cute pouch to keep all of your pads and some Advil, so all you have to do is take the pouch with you to the bathroom when you have to change instead of putting a pad in your pocket and hoping someone doesn’t see it.”

“With that in mind, none of this is anything to be ashamed of,” Olivia said as she gently stroked her daughter’s hair. “It’s a completely normal and natural thing that happens to every girl.”

“And your mom and I will be there for you every step of the way to make sure you’re comfortable and to answer any questions you have,” Alex added. “We also want you to know that, yes, you’re growing up but you’re not grown up yet. You can still be a kid. You can still be silly and you can still sleep with your Care Bear.”

The thought of her daughter growing up reminded Alex of the other talk she wanted to have with her and she debated whether or not this was the right time. While she was growing up, Alex was considered a late bloomer. She never showed an interest in boys and, although she felt an attraction to girls from a young age, growing up in the 1980s left teenage Alex feeling isolated from her peers when it came to crushes and teenage romance. She had her best friend Serena that she could talk to but Serena would do anything to avoid the stigma of being a lesbian even if it meant denyting who she was and dating the opposite sex. Emma’s generation, on the other hand, filled Alex with hope that her daughter could find happiness and acceptance among her peers regardless of who she was attracted to. 

“What’s going on here?” Julie shouted from the top of the stairs. When they heard the sound of the safety gate rattling, Alex knew the three of them could no longer have a peaceful morning. “You brought Julie Jail on my vacation?” The brief silence that followed worried Alex. “Julie Jail can’t stop me here. I can slide down the stair thing.”

Olivia quickly got out of their bed and rushed over to the stairs. “Julianne Cabot Benson! Do  _ not  _ slide down that banister!” 

Her wife’s career in law enforcement may have spanned more than two decades, but Olivia would jokingly tell people that it couldn’t compare to the difficulty of wrangling an overly active six-year-old on a daily basis. Olivia returned to their room holding Julie at her side. “I caught this one already sitting on the banister and prepared to slide down.”

Julie looked at Olivia through narrowed eyes. “I won’t speak to you without a lawyer.” She then reached out her arms toward Alex. “Mommy! Will you be my lawyer? I’m being charged with escaping from Julie Jail.”

“I’m taking the prisoner down to the kitchen for breakfast,” Olivia said as she held onto her squirming daughter. 

“For Lucky Charms?” Julie asked hopefully.

“Escapees don’t get Lucky Charms.”

Julie gave Olivia a kiss on the cheek and wrapped her arms around her. “Even if I say I love you, Mommy?”

“Don’t give in, Liv,” Alex said jokingly. “Behind those glasses and cute smile is an agent of chaos.”

Julie wagged her finger at Alex. “Aren’t you supposed to be my lawyer?”

“Come on, agent of chaos,” Olivia told her youngest daughter once she decided to rest her head on her shoulder. “I’ll let you have Lucky Charms. And, Emma, don’t worry about washing your sheets. I’ll take care of that for you. All you have to do today is let us spoil you.”

“I love you, Mommy,” Emma smiled at her.

“I love you, too, my sweet girl.”

When Julie started to become rambunctious, Alex was grateful that Olivia decided to take her to the kitchen. “Are you feeling okay?” she asked Emma. “Do you want me to bring you some breakfast?”

“I’m okay,” Emma nodded. “Just sleepy. Will you hold me until I fall asleep?”

Although she still saw Emma as her little girl, Alex couldn’t deny that she was only a few short months shy of becoming a teenager, so in that moment, she held Emma as if that single gesture could freeze time and keep her twelve-years-old forever. 

* * *

Alex’s intentions were to stay in bed until Emma fell asleep, but when she checked the time on her phone, she realized she had fallen asleep for two hours. She debated waking Emma up, but when she recalled what her own experiences were the first time she started her period, all she had wanted was to shut out the world for a few days, so instead of waking her up she placed Emma’s phone next to her so she could call them if she needed anything when she woke up.

“I love you,” she said softly before kissing Emma’s cheek.

The cabin was completely silent, which led Alex to assume that her wife and youngest daughter were outside. The snow had lightly fallen the night before and, although there wasn’t enough snow on the ground to go sledding, Alex knew Julie was creative enough to find other activities to occupy her time. 

Knowing nobody other than their immediate family would see her, Alex decided to get her jacket out of the coat closet and join them despite still being in her pajamas. She opened the door to see her wife sitting on the porch swing, already dressed for the day. On the table next to her was Alex’s favorite tumbler filled with what she hoped was the extra-caffeinated breakfast tea she had made sure to pack.

“Before you ask, yes, it’s the one with extra caffeine,” Olivia said as she handed the tumbler to her wife. “I wasn’t sure if you’d still need it after your two hour nap. In the time you were asleep, Julie and I got ready for the day, ate breakfast, and I washed Emma’s sheets.”

Her pajama pants were thin, so Alex made sure to sit close to her wife for warmth. “I swear I’m not using you because I’m cold.”

Olivia wrapped her arm around Alex’s shoulder and pulled her in as close as she could. “You know I’d hold you no matter what, even if I  _ am  _ being used.”

Alex rested her head on her wife’s shoulder, assuming she’d take in the familiar and comforting scent of Olivia’s body wash and shampoo. “Liv, why do you smell like a fruit cocktail?”

“Our shower in the master bedroom is out in the open,” Olivia reminded her. “I had to improvise and use the one in Emma and Julie’s bathroom. I was already in there when I remembered I didn’t have my stuff, so I just used their cherry-scented kids shampoo and that colorful soap that Julie likes. My hair will probably frizz and my skin might breakout, but I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“I’ll shower with you tomorrow morning to make up for it,” Alex said before kissing her. With her thoughts now shifted to the intimacy they shared that morning, that single kiss turned into another and then another until they were interrupted by their youngest daughter.

“No sighting yet, Mommy!” Julie shouted out.

Olivia’s lips gently grazed Alex’s and she stole one last kiss before responding to their daughter. “Thank you, Jules!”

“What’s that about?” Alex asked. She looked at her daughter sitting on her sled about thirty feet in front of them, staring out into the woods with a bag of beef jerky next to her. 

“She told me wanted to go squatching.”

“Squatching?”

“Searching for bigfoot,” Olivia explained. “I told her she couldn’t go any further than where she’s sitting now so her plan is to lure him with beef jerky. What you just witnessed is the Squatch Report in which Julie updates me every five minutes on whether there’s been a sighting.”

“To be six again,” Alex sighed. “I remember Serena and I used to play out here when we were Julie’s age and now here we are with our wives and our children. In twenty years, it’ll be Emma and Blaire up here with their spouses and their children. They might even be married to each other.”

“Speaking of Emma’s future wife,” Olivia said jokingly although Alex was far from amused. 

Alex turned to where Olivia was looking and noticed Blaire walking toward their cabin carrying a gift basket. “Hi, Aunt Alex. Hi, Aunt Olivia,” she said in a perky tone of voice that Alex had once thought was adorable. “Emma texted me at 6:30 this morning and told me what happened and since my parents had to make a Target run, I bought her some provisions.” She pointed to the items in the gift basket one by one. “I know she hasn’t eaten yet so I brought her a vegan breakfast bowl. There’s also an electric blanket, a heating pad, and some cranberry tea for cramps. There’s even some tween-sized pads and overnight pads from the brand Emma wanted to try. Did you know that most commercial brands are loaded with toxic chemicals including the one that the two of you have for her? I made sure to buy her the brand that not only uses organic cotton but is also cruelty free. I know that’s important for her.”

“That’s very sweet of you,” Olivia told her. “And thoughtful. I’m sure Emma will appreciate it.”

“I started my period three whole months ago,” Blaire informed them. “Not to brag, but I’m kind of an expert now.”

Alex kept her opinions to herself until Blaire was in the cabin and out of ear shot. “An expert?” she scoffed. “She thinks three months makes her an expert. And she had the audacity to tell us we’re poisoning our daughter.”

“Alex－”

“And why did she tell Blaire before she told us?” Alex interrupted her wife.

“Still no sighting, Mommy!” Julie shouted.

“Thanks, Jules!” Olivia shouted back. Once their daughter turned around, Olivia passionately kissed Alex with the hope of calming her down. “How was Emma when you left?” Olivia asked her now speechless wife.

“She was still asleep,” Alex managed to say after a few seconds. “No matter what we tell her, our poor daughter still has no idea what she’s in for or that the only relief I’ve felt from that time of the month is when I was pregnant with Julie.”

“Or that if you have a girlfriend or a wife, maybe even a female roommate, your cycle can sync with theirs, creating an absolute hell at home,” Olivia laughed. “I remember when we first moved in together and my cycle synced to yours. I believe you said it was because yours was the alpha cycle.”

Alex squeezed her wife’s hand. “We never knew if we were going to spend the night in each other’s arms or sleeping in separate rooms and it was even worse when you were going through menopause. I’m glad your mood swings and hot flashes in the middle of winter are over with. I wanted to suggest you work late in order to keep the peace at home, but then I felt bad for your squad.”

“And then you claimed to have found an article that said sex reduces hot flashes and makes menopause symptoms easier to manage,” Olivia smirked. “You never showed me this article and I still don’t believe it exists.”

Alex took a sip of her tea, feeling grateful that her wife had served it to her in a tumbler that kept it warm. “The article exists and you were a more than willing participant.”

“I was worried my sex drive would become non-existent, but that’s impossible around you.”

Alex kissed her wife’s hand before getting off the porch swing. “I’m going to check on Emma.”

“You mean you’re going to  _ spy  _ on Emma.”

“We’ll see what happens.”

Alex opened the door prepared to hear the girls eating breakfast in the kitchen or drinking the cranberry tea that Blaire brought while watching something on Netflix, but instead the sight that greeted her was Emma sitting on the couch making out with Blaire for what she assumed had been the entire time that they were alone.

“Emma!” Alex shouted angrily at her daughter. It was the first time she had ever gotten mad at her and her tone of voice not only took  _ her  _ by surprise, but Emma and Blaire as well.

Blaire nearly leapt to the other side of the couch as far away from Emma as she could possibly get and Emma was left with nothing to do but stare at her mom and try not to cry.

“Hi, Mom,” she said sheepishly. “I think I feel better now.”


	4. Chapter 4

During the first two months after Emma was born, Alex and Olivia always kept her within sight and, unless she was sleeping, she was cradled in their arms. They had read articles in parenting magazines advising new parents not to get their baby too used to being in their arms, but they paid no attention to their advice. Emma was the love of their life and they were going to spoil her with affection and hold her every second they could. 

Sometimes she slept in her crib, other times she’d sleep in a baby nest that they’d put in their bed so Emma could sleep in between the two of them. They justified it by saying the reason Emma was sleeping in their room instead of the nursery was to make it easier on Olivia when she’d have to feed her in the middle of the night, but it was actually because they couldn’t bear to be away from her.

Alex was in awe of her girlfriend every time she saw her holding Emma or feeding her. “You created her,” Alex told Olivia one night when she was watching her feed Emma. “The woman I love created our baby girl and watching her get her nourishment from your breast is so beautiful.”

“Watching and experiencing are two very different things. I think my nipples are finally starting to get used to it,” Olivia told Alex before looking down at Emma and talking to her baby in a playful voice. “Someone liked to latch onto her mommy a little too tight the first few days.” 

Alex knelt down and kissed her girlfriend. “I’ll help you correct her latch if it happens again.”

“I’m just grateful she’s drinking,” Olivia responded. “We were so worried when we brought her home two weeks ago that we wouldn’t know what we were doing when it came to feeding her or bathing her or getting her to stop crying.”

“And now we know what her cries mean,” Alex said as she admired her girlfriend and their baby. Marriage may not have been legal yet, but having Emma made them feel as if they had a family regardless of whether or not they had a marriage certificate. “We know what cries mean she’s hungry or sleepy or not feeling well. We’re not as clueless as we thought, Liv.”

With Emma, Olivia promised she would right the wrongs of her mother. She was going to grow up knowing she was wanted and loved, two things Olivia knew she wasn’t as a child. In the twelve years since Emma was born, not once had they spoken a single discouraging word, but somewhere along the way, Emma felt as if they had failed her and she couldn’t keep it to herself anymore.

After Alex caught Emma making out with Blaire, Olivia suggested they call Abbie and Serena and they all have a calm and rational talk about what had happened, but Alex and Emma were both too infuriated, so Blaire stayed downstairs with Julie while Alex, Olivia, and Emma talked upstairs in their room.

Just a few hours ago, Emma was cuddled up in between the two of them, and now they were sitting down on that very bed feeling unsure of what to say to her.

“I know where this is headed and you are  _ not  _ going to take away the only good thing I have in my life,” Emma told them and Alex could have sworn she heard a quiver in her daughter’s voice. “You two don’t know anything about me anymore. Blaire’s more than my best friend and she’s not some girl I have a crush on. She’s been my girlfriend for three months now. That wasn’t the first time we’ve made out and that wasn’t even the farthest we’ve gone.”

  
“Emma!” Alex said in disbelief. She wasn’t sure if Emma was saying these things to upset her or if it was the truth, but Alex felt like her world was crashing down around her. She didn’t like her daughter having a crush, let alone being in a relationship and rounding the bases with her girlfriend.

“What?” Emma asked Alex. “I can’t wait until I’m eighteen and I can move far away for college. I’ll go to L.A. or San Francisco or Portland or Seattle, anywhere to get as far away from this family as possible. You fill my mind with this BS that we can talk about anything and you’ll always be there for me, but you’re not.” 

Olivia reached for her hand, but Emma pushed it away. “Emma－”

“No! This is my turn to talk,” Emma raised her voice as she glared at Olivia. “ _ You’re _ only there for me until your phone rings. You left my spelling bee in fourth grade because your phone rang. When I was seven, you left my soccer team’s championship game. I quit soccer after that season because what’s the point? But the worst was last year when my Girl Scout troop was having a mother/daughter spa day and the only girl with two mothers had  _ zero _ mothers there. You told me you’d be there and you’d bring my cruelty free nail polish and I’d get to do your nails and you’d do mine, but something came up at work like always and you didn’t even show up. It was the most  _ humiliating _ moment of my whole life. Everyone talks about Captain Olivia Benson like you’re so great and you are except for when it comes to your own daughter.” Emma started to sob and Alex wanted nothing more than to comfort both her wife and her daughter. Olivia squeezed her hand to communicate to her that Emma just needed to get everything out, so Alex let her continue uninterrupted. “I got my period for the first time this morning and that was the only way I was able to get some time alone with the two of you. I literally had to bleed all over myself for you to notice me. Why can’t you just be like the other moms who bake gluten free cookies and are home every night? Whenever you work late, I can’t sleep. I lie in bed waiting to hear the sound of the keys in the door so I know you’re home and you’re safe with us. Sometimes Julie wants to sleep with you guys, but most of the time she sleeps fine because she doesn’t know what it’s like to be five years old and have the bad man take her mommy. I saw your blood in our apartment and I didn’t know where you were for three days or if I’d ever see you again. And then when you came back to me, you had broken bones and cuts and you were crying all the time and no one told me anything. No one told me why my mommy came back different and why you’d never be the same after that. And a year later the bad man took my mommy again. He could have killed you. I’m not a little kid anymore. I’m twelve and you still won’t tell me anything about anything. You never talk about Grandma. I know she died before I was born but why won’t you even talk about her? And what about Grandpa? Do I even have a Grandpa? I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t handle not knowing anything and I can’t handle being disappointed anymore. I read some stupid quote about how a father is his daughter’s first love, but for a girl like me who is interested in girls, a daughter’s first love is her mother. My relationship with you is going to shape my relationships with women and it’s not looking good for me because you have broken my heart so many times. I’m going downstairs now and I don’t want you to stop me. I’m going downstairs with Blaire and from now only she can hold me.”

The two of them sat in silence for a couple of minutes after Emma left. Alex wanted to chase after her daughter, but Olivia urged her to stay there. “She’s twelve, Alex, and we have to let her know that what she feels matters to us. Her world is changing and she’s trying to make sense of everything that’s happening to her. She has these feelings for Blaire and physically she’s going through so many changes that she doesn’t understand. I know we had her in therapy when she was five, but she still has these fragmented memories of what happened to me with William Lewis and now that she’s almost a teenager she’s trying to make more sense of it.”

Alex scooted over on the bed so she could lean against the headboard. “I don’t want her thinking it’s okay to lash out at you, Liv.” 

“Emma has never lashed out at either of us until today. She’s been holding everything in for years.” Olivia moved over so she could sit next to her wife. “When we first had Emma, she was our whole world, but eventually you and I had to go back to work and then we went through so many changes in our lives and then we had Julie. Emma didn’t get as much attention as we wanted her to.”

“She’s more observant than we give her credit for,” Alex said as she placed her hand on top of Olivia’s. “She’s noticed that you rarely talk about your mother and not once have you mentioned having a father. Emma’s picking up on what we say and what we don’t say. Our little girl－the hurt in her voice, Liv.”

Olivia kissed her wife’s hand. “No matter what she tells us, she’s still our sweet girl. Remember when she was in fourth grade and she went on a field trip with her class to a farm? When she got home, she was so excited when she showed us a selfie she took with a cow and told us how it licked her face and was playful with her. That was the day our nine-year-old became a vegetarian because she said she didn’t want to eat her cow friend or any of her other new animal friends from the farm. Two years later, she became a vegan and, this summer, she spent her time researching animal testing and now you and I can’t buy any cleaning products or toiletries until Emma tells us if it’s cruelty free. She’s constantly learning and wanting to help others. In March, our sweet little girl learned how to sew so she could make masks and donate them. Every day, I find something new to love about her and I want to protect her from everything in this world that could crush the beautiful spirit she has, but she’s getting older now and－”

“...and protecting her can no longer be synonymous with hiding everything from her,” Alex interrupted. “No, you’re right, but I’m worried about the toll it’ll take on you to talk about William Lewis and what happened to your mom.”

“I have to answer her questions, but I’ll think of a way to answer them in a manner that’s appropriate for a twelve-year-old,” Olivia said before she kissed her wife’s temple. “The reason I fought so hard to stay alive is because of you and because of Emma. With everything he subjected me to, all I could think about was how to stay alive for my girls and how I was so grateful that you weren’t home and you had taken Emma on a mommy/daughter getaway for a couple days to celebrate her 5th birthday and because you wanted to tell her she was going to be a big sister. We tried for years to have another baby and, when you got home, you and Emma were going to tell me that you were pregnant.”

Alex knew her wife was a survivor and she had been since she was a little girl, but with everything Olivia had to endure throughout her life, she was still so kind and compassionate. “You’re a good woman, Olivia Benson, and I’m so fortunate to be your wife.”

Olivia delicately brushed her lips against her wife’s and a single kiss turned into her wanting nothing more than to spend the rest of the afternoon kissing her and finding ways for her to feel how much she loves her, but they were soon interrupted by the sound of their youngest daughter running up the stairs and into their room. 

“Mommy and Mommy!” Julie said before stopping in her tracks. “Eww! Why does everyone in this house like kissing? My mommies are always kissing and now Emma kisses Blaire. It’s gross! If someone ever tries to kiss me, I’m gonna bite their lips off.”

“Good,” Alex said to her daughter in a serious tone of voice. “I want you to keep thinking that way.”

“Alex,” Olivia laughed. “Someday, Julie, when you’re older －”

“No,” Alex said sternly. “Julianne Olivia Cabot Benson, I order you to bite whoever tries to kiss you.”

“What are you holding, Jules?” Olivia asked to change the subject.

In Julie’s hands were four sheets of notebook paper and judging by how quickly she had run up the stairs, Alex knew their youngest daughter had something she was eager to share. “I have an idea and it’s the greatest idea anyone has ever had in the whole world.”

“What is it?” Olivia asked. “Climb up here and tell us.”

Julie hurriedly climbed onto the bed, wrinkling the notebook paper in the process, and made herself comfortable on Olivia’s lap. “I’m going to tell you why we should change our last name to Batman,” Julie said as she showed her moms the cover page. “Exhibit A: Benson and Batman both have six letters. That means our names won’t get any shorter or longer.” Julie then tossed the first two pages to the foot of the bed to reveal the next reason. “Exhibit B: Benson and Batman both start with the letter ‘B’ and end with the letter ‘N’. That means we only have to change four letters in our name and not all of them.” Julie then tossed that page near the others to reveal the final reason they should change their names. “Exhibit C is the best part. Mommy, you fight crime so you’re already like Batman. If we change our last name, instead of everyone calling you Captain Benson, you’ll be Captain Batman.”

“Captain Batman?” Olivia smiled at her youngest daughter. “I like the sound of that. What do you think, Alex?”

Alex tickled her daughter and it warmed her heart to hear Julie giggling. “I think that’s a great idea, Julie Batman.”

“I don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up yet,” Julie told them. She adjusted her position so that she was now lying across the two of them. “I’ll either be ADA Batman and then Bureau Chief or Officer Batman and then Detective Batman and then Captain Batman, but I don’t know if there will be people police when I’m growed up or if there will be robot police like when me and Mommy watched  _ Robocop _ . Maybe I’ll be Captain Julie Batman of the New York City Robot Police Department or maybe I’ll move to Hollywood and be a stunt woman.”

Olivia stroked her daughter’s hair. “You can be anything you want to be, Jules.”

Julie looked up and smiled at her mom. “I think I wanna be a shark biologist and live at sea. You and Mommy and Emma can come visit me on my work boat and we can go diving with the sharks.”

Although she didn’t want to think about Julie growing up, Alex felt the future was bright for her little girl. “I’ll visit you on your boat, but I’ll have to think about diving with sharks.”

  
“Okay, Mommy, but you’ll change your mind once you see how much fun it is,” Julie responded. “I’m going downstairs to build my LEGO shark.” She hugged Alex first and then Olivia. “Bye, Mommy. Bye, Captain Batman.”

Alex watched as their little one left the room. She knew Julie was fortunate enough to have the type of childhood innocence that was taken from Emma when she was only five-years-old and she wanted her to stay that way. As excited as she was to see the type of person Julie would eventually become, if it were up to Alex, Julie would stay this age forever. 

* * *

Alex went downstairs to find her best friend waiting for her on the accent chair in the living room with a bottle of wine. Emma and Blaire were on opposite sides of the couch, too afraid to go near each other. “Abbie is in the kitchen building a LEGO shark with Julie,” Serena informed her. “And these two...” she pointed to Emma and Blaire. “...these two have to stay on opposite sides of the couch until I say otherwise.”

“Did you catch them, too?” Alex asked her best friend. 

“I got here five minutes ago and caught them. I swear their lips are like magnets for each other,” Serena told Alex before turning to face Emma and Blaire. “Emma, don’t forget what I told you. Your tongue can get severely cut on Blaire’s braces.”

“Serena!” they heard Abbie say from the kitchen. “What are you telling these girls?”

“The truth,” Serena responded. “Abigail, stay inside with the girls. I’m going outside to talk to Alex and Liv.”

They could have talked upstairs, but Alex knew the real reason they were going outside instead was so they could chill the wine bottle in the snow and drink it while they discussed what they were going to do about Emma and Blaire’s relationship. Chilling wine in the snow had been a tradition of Alex and Serena’s every December since they were 18 and, with all the changes happening around them, she was grateful that they were still keeping to their tradition.

“I’ll join you in a bit,” Olivia told them. “I need to talk to Emma first.”

“What now?” Emma snapped at her.

Despite the conversation they had earlier, she still expected her sweet Emma to come back. “Emma Alexandra.”

“Fine.”

* * *

  
Ten minutes had passed before Olivia joined them outside. Alex motioned for her wife to join them on the porch swing while they waited for the wine to chill, but Olivia opted to lean against the railing on the porch.

“How’s our girl?” Alex asked.

Olivia feigned a smile. “I think our sweet girl is still in there somewhere. I promised her that you and I will have a talk with her tonight and she’ll get to ask us anything and we have to answer truthfully. She liked that idea; however, I also suggested that you and I get to ask  _ her  _ anything and she reluctantly agreed. She also gave me a hug so that’s how I know our little Emma is in there somewhere.”

Alex wasn’t sure exactly what her daughter was going to ask, but she knew she could no longer pretend Emma was oblivious to what happened to their family in the past and keeping information from her would do more harm than good. Without her even saying, she knew Olivia would want Emma to see a therapist again. Their little girl was hurting and they were going to do whatever it’d take to make the hurt go away.


End file.
